Are you a ‘good listener’? Lots of us like to think we are but there is an art to hearing what people are really saying. In fact, active listening is an important life skill.
Showing someone that you’re paying close attention to what they have to say makes them feel valued and encourages open communication. It can be a particularly useful tool for resolving conflict or supporting someone who is going through a hard time. Fortunately, learning how to be a better listener isn’t hard, it just involves practising some of the following tips:
1. Listen without judgement. We all have our own opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong but active listening involves putting our own prejudices and assumptions aside. It’s important to remember that the person is describing their experiences from their perspective. If we react emotionally or show we are making judgements, it could make the other person feel bad and stop sharing.
2. Check your positioning and body language. You need to show the person you’re listening. Try to sit at an angle where you can comfortably see their face and body language, but you aren’t directly opposite each other. Adopt a relaxed, open position (no crossed legs or folded arms that create barriers) or lean forwards slightly to show you’re paying attention. Eye contact is good but can be intimidating if used too much. Focusing on different parts of a person’s face can help. Smiling or nodding etc. in the right places will also help the person see that you’re listening to them. And whatever you do, don’t fidget or look distracted.
3. Don’t think ahead. If you try to preempt what the person will say next, or are planning what you’re going to say next while they’re still speaking, you’re not listening attentively. Try and clear your mind so that you can really hear and process what the person is telling you.
4. Avoid interrupting. Where there’s a natural lull in the conversation, it might be fine to interject, but if the person is mid flow, give them space to say what they need to before you respond. This is especially important if you’re having a conversation with someone who may be distressed. It can take time for them to express themselves, so try not to jump in straight away at the first sign of a pause. Give them time. However, voicing short affirmations like ‘Uh huh,’ while someone is talking is a good way to show you’re paying attention.
5. Don’t try to solve their problems. Most people just want to get things off their chest and feel heard, they’re not necessarily looking for solutions. That’s not to say you can’t make suggestions if they want to hear them, but people often don’t want advice. Just expressing themselves openly is a helpful way for someone to process their thoughts and find their own way.
6. Repeat what they’ve said. That doesn’t mean word for word, but summarising what someone has said in your own words or asking them to clarify certain aspects of the conversation shows that you’ve really been taking things in.
Some of us might need a little bit more practice than others, but employing active listening techniques can be a really effective tool for improving your overall communication.
So, next time you have a conversation, why not try keeping these key points in mind and see how it goes?
